"Media polla y una Fanta, por favor."

Ahhh...the joys of learning a new language. Even more opportunities to stick one's foot in one's mouth than normal. All these foot-in-mouth moments make for rollicking good laughs later on, but at the time, they seem nothing short of tragic. Of course, no one wants to be picked out as a foreigner immediately after sitting down in the best chicken restaurant in Spain and trying to work out how to order what you want with perfect grammar and accent before the waitress gets to the table. Sadly, when your waitress advances on you with a menacing (and very Spanish) "if I have to serve one more table of jackasses today..." look in her eyes, it is quite easy to forget the perfect sentence you just created and order a "media polla" instead of the plate of delicious roasted chicken that you came to Alcalá de Henares specifically to eat. You know what's even sadder? That grotesque situation happened to me today in Pollo de Alcalá, the famed warehouse-turned-rotisserie that all Canterburians have been talking about since Johnny B, Alcalá-aficionado among English teachers, led that first lucky bunch through the big blue doors. Any Spanish-speakers reading this should be shaking your head and laughing at me by now. Those of you who don't speak Spanish...well, let me enlighten you about what I ordered. "Medio pollo," what I wanted to order, means half a chicken. "Media polla" means half a penis. Now, I just want to clarify that I knew the differences in the two words beforehand. However, all language-savvy flies out the door when I am confronted with formal-type scenarios, where speaking correctly should be the easiest thing in the world. Give me a bar chat any day, and I'll spout Cervantes. Put me in a Spanish 101 situation, and I might as well be in Kazakhstan. I did learn one thing from the experience, though. If you're in a Spanish chicken restaurant, see your waitress coming, and know from the look on her face that your food is gonna come with a side of spit, ask for a media polla and fear no more. For you have just brightened your waitress's day immeasurably, because now she knows she's smarter than you, and making fun of customers behind their backs is one of the greatest joys of the job. Take it from someone who knows...from both sides.